I've been in the hotel business over thirty years. Never yet have I called the police to eject a disorderly dog during the small hours of the night. Never yet has a dog set the bedclothes afire from smoking a cigarette. I've never found a hotel towel or blanket in a dog's suitcase, nor whiskey rings on the bureau top from a dog's bottle. Sure the dog's welcome.

P.S. If he'll vouch for you, come along too.

Unknown hotel manager's reply to a vacationer writing to ask if dogs were permitted.

Funny dog stuff
HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL
1. Cradle cat in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Using right forefinger and thumb, gently apply pressure to cat's cheeks. When cat opens mouth, pop pill into it.

2. Retrieve pill from floor & cat from behind the sofa. Cradle cat in left arm & repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left
hand. Force jaws open & push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl & cat from top of wardrobe. Call partner in from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front & rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get partner to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler & rub cats throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from the foilwrap. Make note to get new rule & repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered 'Doulton' figures from hearth & set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel & get partner to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cats mouth open with pencil & blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pills not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply plaster to partners' forearm & remove blood from carpet with cold water & soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbours' shed & get another pill. Place cat in cupboard & close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon & flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage & put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek & check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw t-shirt away & fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road & apologize to neighbour who
crashed into fence while swerving to avoid the cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie cats front paws to rear paws with garden twine & bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed & pry cats mouth open with a small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by a large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically & pour a pint of water down throat to wash down pill.

14. Get partner to drive you to hospital & sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers & forearms & remove pill remnants from right eye. Call at furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat & ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How to give a dog a pill:

1. Wrap it in bacon.

FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD PART DOG.

FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL - 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR DOG.

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.

GERMAN SHEPHERD. 85 lb.. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.

FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG...LOOKS LIKE A RAT...BEEN OUT AWHILE...
BETTER BE A REWARD.

CUTE KITTEN FOR SALE, 2 CENTS OR BEST OFFER

FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.

1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm chewing something, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours.

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
   Sincerely, 

Your dog.

GET A DOG

• If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never says its not quite as good as his mother made it
  then buy a dog.
• If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want,
  then buy a dog.
• If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't care about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies
  then buy a dog.
• If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores,
  then buy a dog.
• If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually
  then buy a dog.